It was like an epiphany! Not the kind that smacks you upside the noggin’ like a Mac Truck, no, but an epiphany nonetheless.
I’ve been struggling to get the self care back into my routine because, amazingly enough, I am actually MORE productive if I’ve had time to do The Things that make me “Happy.”
Seems simple enough. I’d spent the majority of last year working on finding the these very things, activities of some kind, that allow me the escapism to regroup and refresh and generally NOT end up on the News at 11.
The best escapism for me is, video games. I’m not particularly good at them, no…but they offer an escapism in an active way that watching a Cosmos show or a shark movie cannot.
It lasted a whole 8 days.
Then, as life always does, The Asshat Cosmos competes with the Good Cosmos to win my attention to Do All The Things and my escapism fell by the wayside. I’ve been frustrated and, admittedly, angry. I had been “Happy.” I had been productive. What the actual fuck, Cosmos? (either one, I’m an equal opportunity finger-pointer)
Hell, I’ve always, ALWAYS, been telling my two eldest boys (21 & 17) that “You have the time to do both gaming AND get a goddamn job!” So, why the in blue hell have *I* not been able to find that balance?!?!?
First, I looked at “Choice.” But, choice didn’t really feel quite right as the hindering issue.
THEN…the Epiphany of 2017:
Sweet mother of all things holy…I haven’t been doing self care because I feel guilty.
See, although I’m a law clerk by profession, after the twins were born I opened my own business doing childcare. *because five kids of my own isn’t batshit crazy enough* I’ve downsized to school-age kids and as such, have the school hours to myself.
One would THINK, I have plenty of time to take a half a goddamn hour to fiddle around not walking in a straight line and certainly not being able to drive anything within the context of the various gaming worlds.
Yes, I can binge watch documentaries on sharks, the universe or paranormal shit, but I can’t play a video game??
Stigma. That concept that I “sit at home eating bonbons whilst my house cleanliness crumbles around me.”
I can’t even. Seriously. How and why do I even think this? I run my home pretty strictly, as being a solo mom has dictated it for my very sanity. Huh.
Now that I’ve recognized the underlying issue, the trick is now to go ahead and use “Choice.” to revel in the escapism that brings me relief, refresh, and regrouping.
It’s like I’m stuck in concrete. I don’t know if I can. What the…..?!?!?
In part, I started doing a combination of one of those bullet journals/happy planner thingies. I remember when I worked at the law firm, I would tack a piece of paper with the file names of all those I had to work on during that day, so my bosses would see, when they interrupted with “This has to be done NOW.” they could choose where it would fit on my list.
But, I digress. The point is…when I’d finished working on a file…I would cross it out. I cannot describe how satisfying that part was. So, by combining the art of Crossing Out The Things with a list of “Did I self care today?” … I am hoping I can get myself back on track to visually see that, YES, I CAN do what I need to do in order to balance the self care with All The Things.
Accountability without the pressure. At the end of the month I can look back and see, myself, how much time I really did have and how I chose not to use it, if I don’t fulfill my self care needs.
Sneaky bitch is sneaky. And, clever.
Time will tell….
What’s your favourite form of self care? Do you struggle at all making the time?