Here we are.
At the cusp of the condition that will require me to break down the walls of complete comfort and safety and have to ask for “assistance.”
If I do not, I put everything out on a line thinner than a strand of hair…and it will break.
I redirect you to a past post entitled, “Snuffleupagus!!”
Why? Because it hits the nail on the head as to why it might seem so ridiculously stubborn of me to decline, repeatedly, offers of “assistance.”
So, I’m going to put it in a nutshell: (as I don’t have the cognitive function being on all these drugs to put it in a damn pie chart for y’all…)
I do not like asking for “assistance” because having that “assistance” in my house makes me anxious.
I have “GAD – generalized anxiety disorder” that I usually need to take pharmaceutical poison for to control it and be able to function (and by function, I mean by not having a heartrate of 109 and dropping 22 pounds in 6 weeks). I am no longer on that medication because? Because although I didn’t feel the funny twinges that would make me sick to my stomach, I also didn’t feel the joy and exuberance of all the little things that would make one smile.
I simply didn’t feel anything at all. I refuse to live like that. That is merely “existing.”
I do not like asking for “assistance” because having that “assistance” in my house makes me anxious and being anxious makes me sick to my stomach. And gut. And it hurts* my chest that is already hurting from the pericarditis.
*Come to think of it, it really doesn’t hurt at all right now. Actually nothing of my flares hurt right now…these drugs are kick-ass!
So here I am at a rather bleak conundrum. I don’t want people in my house when I can’t function, can’t control the “fuzzy head” due to the drugs, adding to the noise and over-stimulation that I already feel due to both the GAD and the medications.
[enter crickets chirping, stage left]
Uh huh. So now what?
Is it worth it? Can I let go of the control of any of the eleventy-billion things that I do on a daily basis (let alone a week!)? Can I accept that things will still continue to function should I be out of the next scene or chapter?!
At this point I would rather come to think that I do not have a choice. My friends all know it. My husband knows it. I swear my mother will tear a strip off of me if I don’t come to know it.
I can see myself making a list of things people would have to conform to in order to cross the threshold of my sanctuary. Yes, it’s that necessary. Things like, “Please know and understand my boundaries and don’t cross them.” or, “Please understand when I ask for ‘assistance’ that I in no way mean ‘c’mon over and stay to chit chat well past my rest/lunch/medication time!” I have secondary Sjogrens which, coupled with the side effects of the medication I’m on, makes talking very difficult without choking.
“Please understand that it’s not easy for me to trust people with the above mentioned things, like boundaries and “assistance”, so I need to overcome those hesitations and start to trust people again.”
But, because my family, husband and friends care about me SO gosh-darn much…I give you my word that if I can solidly determine where, exactly, I need the “assistance”…
…you’ll hear me ask for it loud’n’proud! 🙂