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Of warships and Google…

There are so many things I want to put into place as of late…better eating…better exercise…better glucose management…better pain therapies….better restraint from thinking that’s it’s so overwhelming to try to manage it all that I just end up sitting on my ass waiting for someone else to sort it all out for me.

*but wouldn’t that be nice? I could sit in a lounge chair and have a cabana boy serve me a drink with a little pink umbrelly in it whilst the world sculpts my very existence into the structure of all that is good for me?*

[enter, stage left, total escapism moment]

Anyhooooooo….back at it…

Food. /fo͞od/
Noun: Any nutritious substance that people or animals eat or drink, or that plants absorb, in order to maintain life and growth.

I’m on a diet. A see-food diet. I see food, I eat it. It’s a pretty easy one to conform to, I’m happy to say and I’ve been greatly successful to date.

Alas, ’tis not the diet of the sort that conforms with all that is good for me. So, I did what I always do when I am lost and confused and need wisdom…I went to seek knowledge from Master Google.

I Googled everything! I Googled what to eat for lupus. I Googled what to eat for fibromyalgia. I Googled what to eat for diabetes. I cross-referenced gluten and alfalfa. I cross-referenced turmeric with ginger (seriously…I have turmeric issues…it STILL sounds like a freakin’ Klingon warship to me. Ironic if it were to blow up my intestines on the way out. EPIC.).

Then I did just about the most complete OPPOSITE of what any young padawan would do after a hearty day of “doing”….I ate chips. I will even admit, in a public forum, that I ate more than the recommended daily serving amount. Probably double. (likely triple, but let’s not get hung up on the technicalities, shall we?)

[And I freakin’ LOVED it! Oh, the rebelliousness of it all!!]

What, then, in the end of things, did Master Google reveal to me?

Same thing we all bloody know to tears….EAT HEALTHY.

Switching white to brown, managing portion sizes (we won’t tell anyone about the chips, right?), drinking a kegger of water whilst eating as much veggies as this born-and-raised meat-and-potatoes closet girlie-girl can tolerate…1/2 plate for veggies, 1/4 plate for protein, 1/4 plate for carbs….good carbs vs. bad carbs…sugar vs. substitutes…flare trigger foods vs. …omg did you know there’s a solar flare thingy currently going on? No kidding!!…uh, what was I saying?
It’s seriously not rocket science, my friends. What IS a logistical nightmare is trying to get MY born-and-raised meat-a-tarian arse to drop the old habits and adopt the new. I’m not looking to become a vegetarian, but I AM looking to essentially “train” myself to eat new foods, specifically more vegetables.

I hate vegetables. And by hate, I mean I am as fond of them as a Turmeric warship’s leader would love to hang out with Capt. James T. Kirk on the bridge of the Enterprise for tea and scones.

Thus, I stopped researching. Veggies are just not whack. I’ll eat veggies when the outer rings of Saturn are congruent with the infamous Planet X’s eclipse of Jupiter. *stomps and pouts*

Then I realized my problem (the first step is admission, go me!) is that I’m trying to OVERthink the overwhelming. I cannot possibly be successful in making ANY change if I’m trying to take on the entire process of shifting habitual perceptions of food, no?

Sure, there’s a TON of information about food and it’s correlation to chronic illnesses, but how whacked am I to think I can ingest (oooo, funny pun! funny pun!) oodles of nutritional information and overhaul my entire eating habits in ONE SHOT?!?!

That’s where doctor’s also have it wrong. It’s also where I’d estimate 80% of websites have it wrong. How bold am I to say that? BOLD. *snicker*

The generalization is that they tell you what or what not to eat: “Eat or eat not, there is no snack.” But what I find most of them lack is the capacity to tell my carb-loving ass HOW. TO. CHANGE. EATING. PATTERNS.

First of all, let me state that after five children, I’ve earned this ass.

Secondly, there IS information out there related to changing eating habits, but they are most often NOT on the same page as the information you’re researching. Therefore, you must endure MORE of Master Google (Seriously. Tattoo. Coming soon to an ass near you!) by trying to cross-reference different theories and information.


And you wonder why I’m losing my mind.

All of this for chronic illnesses that no one can freakin’ see to believe?

Then forgeddaboutit!!

…think if it, instead, as:

“I need to eat better so that I can feel better.”

“If I feel better, I can manage pain better.”

Here’s what I’m going to do. My white bread will become brown. My white starches will become brown. This will be until I reach the next step to eliminate them altogether. I will set a goal of doing so when I have longer that 2.2 minutes to think about it. I want to be realistic.

I will eat vegetables that do not look and/or taste like vegetables. I will purée vegetables and freeze them in little ice cube trays so that I can drop them into sauces and stews and soups. I will keep the ones I can stand already pre-cut so I can just grab them and not even have to bother with cutting/chopping dicing…they will be as easily accessible as any pre-packaged oh-so-very-opposite-of-good-for-you treat.

I will spend a little extra to get better things. Until I can confidently shop for vegetables I am not familiar with, I will buy a few more than I need in order to try more varieties and hopefully find flavours I can enjoy.

I will ask my friends to post a family favourite recipe for me using a vegetable I have not tried or don’t know how to cook. I will report to them my opinions of said recipe.

Seriously, are people wanting to help you out? Have them help with your food choices! Ask them to Google a recipe for, say, low-carb….or diabetic…or sugar-free…WHATEVER…and either pass the recipe to you or….dare I say it?…make it for you! :o)

I know myself. Intimately. I know that if I don’t like something, there’s no way on the planet of Turmeric that I’m EVER going to cook the damned thing!!

Little changes. Write them down. Evernote them. Voice record them. You wouldn’t plop yourself into a full marathon, why on earth would you try to do the same with your eating habits? Unnecessary stress you’ll put on yourself that we all know triggers flares.

[Stress. Flares. 5 kids. Do the math. *twitch*]

Better yet? Make your notes public. You’re far more likely to hold yourself accountable by doing so.

Just like I’ve done.

Aw, crud. ;o)


  1. Pamela Daw

    Mike and I have been trying SOS Cuisine… it is a wonder… even has a budget menu… gives you a weekly menu, recipes, a plan (what needs to be done when) and a grocery list! Hallelujah… I really do love it. and it's Canadian!

  2. Tami Stackelhouse

    I cannot believe I didn't find you until yesterday, when you found me, actually. You so totally rock! =)

    So, back in 2009 when I first started the nutritional program my doc suggested to me (that I now help people with) my mantra was, "Every day I stay on program I feel better. Every day." I couldn't think any farther out than one day. Forget thinking, "a year from now when I feel great I'll be able to hike!" HA! Just one day at a time, baby!

    There's a great book that I use when I coach my clients: Dr. A's Habits of Health. There's a workbook that goes with it: Living a Longer, Healthier Life. It walks you through making those changes – not just the outside what-to-eat changes, but changing your habits too. Even figuring out and changing the unconscious ones that throw you off track. =)

    As a Health Coach, I help people make these kinds of changes all the time. If you have any questions or want any advice, just let me know! I'd love to help.

  3. Shane

    Heh…I'm no health nut (you know that part) but there are times I do like veggies. I'm a meat and potatoes guy too. I'd cut out the potatoes on the best of days and just eat a hunk of grilled cow and be happy. But I know that's not a good reality.

    I have tried many different veggies. Some I like, some I don't. I was shocked to find I like some that I'm supposed to hate! You know the type, Brussels Sprouts, asparagus, spinach, things like that. It's all in how they are prepared. Most of the time, the only way I like those prepared is dripping in butter, so there goes the healthy aspect of it.

    Pass the A1 sauce, the steak is getting cold 😉

  4. bastdanica

    I have a few yummy recipes involving veggies. Made a totally awesome MarieMash on the weekend. Throw meat, veggies and noodles all together, find a sauce and toss it all togther.

    I like Butternut squash but not acorn squash.
    I can't stand parsnips or turnip.

    I will eat veggies, but preparing them is a PITA.

    so… start slow, start small. Start, as my mom would say, by throwing all the nasty bad foods in the trash and start with (mostly) empty cabinets. She would also tell you to eat raw foods because that is how veggies were meant to be eaten. Celery with peanut butter anyone?

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