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Issues, Interrupted…


I’ve spent the last two and half months doing research, on top of my other research for all things Lupus and autoimmune…and diabetes…on top of my herbalism studies…

…because I’m totally bat-shit crazy like that…

…and whilst my kidneys continue to fail and my heart hates me and likes to System Reboot itself on occasion.

I had to get myself over the intense psychological fear of going back to the gym.

I had initially thought I totally bagged that garbage back several weeks ago…until I was eating lunch, watching the news and noon…and two days in a row, men had heart attacks. At the gym.

Did I want to go back?!?






So, I didn’t. Couldn’t make me.

I sat like a bump on a log for weeks. I discovered at one of my piss-in-a-cup dates with my nurse that I’ve reached a level of snafu that indicates the potential need for us to move on to the kidney biopsy.






Not going to mutha’ freakin’ happen.

[enter “ramp up the research”, stage left]

What is common denominator for the illness snafu that plagues me?

Dunno! If doctor’s knew, I would have a treatment. Y’know…for the disease I actually have…not the anti-malarials…not the anti-epileptics…

I don’t have malaria.

I don’t have epilepsy.

So? I’ve found a way to use particular foods to my benefit. I think. I’m going out on a long-assed limb, here…because no one knows what will work for me, right? Or I’d do it. Be on it. Yadda, yadda.

Today I went back to the gym for the first time since the heart attack.

Enough is enough.

[enter badass attitude, stage right]

I can’t move my freakin’ arms, and it feels…






AWFUL. It sucks. Ass.

And I can’t wait to keep doing it until it doesn’t suck ass.

I think it important to note that anything that constitutes change might, in fact, suck ass. A new way of eating…a new roundabout in your neighbourhood… doesn’t matter. It’s uncomfortable. And I sure as shit don’t like change.

But, if I want to continue to advocate and have people read about a real person going through real hell life…I’ve got to do what it takes to keep myself going, right?

Oh, and mirrors in the gym?






Assholes. Not only do I feel like an I’ve-earned-this-ass….I get to see it jacked up by flourescent lighting that EVERYone knows makes even a Supermodel look like death-run-over.

So, I closed my eyes. Well, except for when I was doing biceps curls. Momma’s got guns. 😀 You’ll see them when I lose the beluga-stole I’m currently wearing around myself, care of anti-epileptics and two ruptured vertebral discs early last year. Go, Go ThunderThighs!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was 20 minutes of cardio and weight training. Arms. Brilliant fucking idea for Go, Go SpazzyHands here.

And I mutha’ freakin’ DID IT.

Slow you go

No, I’m not posting “before and after photos.” I don’t like seeing them (re: Penance Perception Factor) from other people. Makes me feel like there’s some kind of ass-hat “standard” I don’t feel the need to attain at this point…busy keeping from dying, but thanks (I wonder why asshat is deemed incorrectly spelled, but “ass-hat” is perfectly acceptable. Who decides these things!?!?).

I’m sure as hell not posting ab photos or ass photos. There are sites for that, if I’m not currently sharing a bed with you. TMI. Totally. Photo-in-mirror-duck-face…with abs!


I’m also not directly posting food logs. What works for me might be a standard you impose upon yourself that might not work for you. Consider it a kind of “disclaimer” of courtesy. If I make something awesome, I’ll share a recipe.


You’ll not know what I’ve chosen to add as supplements, whether I have, in fact, added any at all. In a world of contra-indications and multiple chronic afflictions…I’m not even going there.

What you will know, is how hard I’m going to work to try to balance a whole-body wellness.

In the meantime, I’ve got my numbers in my mind, and my mind on my numbers.

I do the best that I can with what I’ve been given. I just feel that sometimes you need to put on your thinkin’ caps and look outside the box for how to realistically get there.

Life is not all about purple painted ponies pooping butterflies jacked up on SugarSmacks.

We all know that sugar isn’t good for you. 😉


  1. Michele

    Had a quick question…you mentioned florescent light in the gym, how is that affecting you? I know the gym has all the equipment but is it increasing your flares?

    • Brynn

      I’ve not noticed a correlation between the lighting at the gym directly affecting my flares. I’m usually already in one, but I find the length of time I’m there (approx an hour to an hour and a half) isn’t long enough to “trigger” anything. It just really, REALLY bothers my eyes.

    • Brynn

      *raises pompoms* You GO!!!! \m/ (I am totally not wearing a cutsie cheerleading outfit, though…that’d be a sore sight to see!) 😉

  2. Kate

    Very nice post. I’m still struggling with going to the gym (some days it’s just a plain Tard-NO) and my diet (why is pecan pie so delicious?) but I’ve been finding that even just little changes can make you feel better.

    I’ve also realized that my body is my body and it will only look a certain way, my history of injuries will allow me to do certain things (and not others), and any other issues with my health will effect me in certain ways. The most important thing is to do what you can do, even if it seems like something small to others it might be a mountain to you. I’ve come to celebrate the little things (like not getting crazy postural hypotension when bending forward in a gym class, or increasing my hand weights 2lbs)

    On the topic of body image, I found this website very helpful:
    It has REAL women, off all sizes and you can actually pick a height and weight and see how truly different each woman looks. It helped me realize that body image shouldn’t be defined by how you look in comparison to others, but how you look, to you.

    I’m super proud of you for going back to the gym, and a tip, a meal high in protein within 30min after a workout can help your muscles repair their damage and therefore cause less achy pain the day afterward. I know you already have a buttload of it to deal with, so protein can help post-workout

    • Brynn

      I shall be off to check that body image link. I saw a FB meme the other day of a comparison of women who all weighed the exact same. It was truly eye opening. I also remember reading an article a couple years ago by a VERY fit 190lb woman. Her health was impecable. She was large in “structure”. I cringe at people who solely use the BMI as a measure of…well…”measure.” It’s not the whole story. I do have protein after a workout…having dated a bodybuilder some decade ago (I shall call him….”Mighty Mouse”…he was short.) I learned quite a bit about its affect post-routine. I didn’t, however, extrapolate it to assisting with the aches. Very cool tidbit of information, thank you so much! 🙂

  3. Jules

    Okay okay!! I’ll start the yoga! Jeebus woman you are lapping my couch sitting ass big time. Good for you.
    Just remember, it only hurts until it stops.

    • Brynn

      LOL!!! And I’m moaning about it every damn step! 😉 But, I’ve got to do this, right? RIGHT!?!? *snerk* Well, if I’mma gonna hurt anyways…

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