I’ve spent the last two and half months doing research, on top of my other research for all things Lupus and autoimmune…and diabetes…on top of my herbalism studies…
…because I’m totally bat-shit crazy like that…
…and whilst my kidneys continue to fail and my heart hates me and likes to System Reboot itself on occasion.
I had to get myself over the intense psychological fear of going back to the gym.
I had initially thought I totally bagged that garbage back several weeks ago…until I was eating lunch, watching the news and noon…and two days in a row, men had heart attacks. At the gym.
Did I want to go back?!?
So, I didn’t. Couldn’t make me.
I sat like a bump on a log for weeks. I discovered at one of my piss-in-a-cup dates with my nurse that I’ve reached a level of snafu that indicates the potential need for us to move on to the kidney biopsy.
Not going to mutha’ freakin’ happen.
[enter “ramp up the research”, stage left]
What is common denominator for the illness snafu that plagues me?
Dunno! If doctor’s knew, I would have a treatment. Y’know…for the disease I actually have…not the anti-malarials…not the anti-epileptics…
I don’t have malaria.
I don’t have epilepsy.
So? I’ve found a way to use particular foods to my benefit. I think. I’m going out on a long-assed limb, here…because no one knows what will work for me, right? Or I’d do it. Be on it. Yadda, yadda.
Today I went back to the gym for the first time since the heart attack.
Enough is enough.
[enter badass attitude, stage right]
I can’t move my freakin’ arms, and it feels…
AWFUL. It sucks. Ass.
And I can’t wait to keep doing it until it doesn’t suck ass.
I think it important to note that anything that constitutes change might, in fact, suck ass. A new way of eating…a new roundabout in your neighbourhood… doesn’t matter. It’s uncomfortable. And I sure as shit don’t like change.
But, if I want to continue to advocate and have people read about a real person going through real
hell life…I’ve got to do what it takes to keep myself going, right?
Oh, and mirrors in the gym?
Assholes. Not only do I feel like an I’ve-earned-this-ass….I get to see it jacked up by flourescent lighting that EVERYone knows makes even a Supermodel look like death-run-over.
So, I closed my eyes. Well, except for when I was doing biceps curls. Momma’s got guns. 😀 You’ll see them when I lose the beluga-stole I’m currently wearing around myself, care of anti-epileptics and two ruptured vertebral discs early last year. Go, Go ThunderThighs!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today was 20 minutes of cardio and weight training. Arms. Brilliant fucking idea for Go, Go SpazzyHands here.
And I mutha’ freakin’ DID IT.
No, I’m not posting “before and after photos.” I don’t like seeing them (re: Penance Perception Factor) from other people. Makes me feel like there’s some kind of ass-hat “standard” I don’t feel the need to attain at this point…busy keeping from dying, but thanks (I wonder why asshat is deemed incorrectly spelled, but “ass-hat” is perfectly acceptable. Who decides these things!?!?).
I’m sure as hell not posting ab photos or ass photos. There are sites for that, if I’m not currently sharing a bed with you. TMI. Totally. Photo-in-mirror-duck-face…with abs!
I’m also not directly posting food logs. What works for me might be a standard you impose upon yourself that might not work for you. Consider it a kind of “disclaimer” of courtesy. If I make something awesome, I’ll share a recipe.
You’ll not know what I’ve chosen to add as supplements, whether I have, in fact, added any at all. In a world of contra-indications and multiple chronic afflictions…I’m not even going there.
What you will know, is how hard I’m going to work to try to balance a whole-body wellness.
In the meantime, I’ve got my numbers in my mind, and my mind on my numbers.
I do the best that I can with what I’ve been given. I just feel that sometimes you need to put on your thinkin’ caps and look outside the box for how to realistically get there.
Life is not all about purple painted ponies pooping butterflies jacked up on SugarSmacks.
We all know that sugar isn’t good for you. 😉