There is currently an immeasurable number of thoughts going through my brain at any given moment as of late. Like, a Googolplex of ’em.
And, I’m tired. Exhausted. I am trying everything from finding #gladitude (the smallest of pleasurable things you’d otherwise not have noticed) to talking, to desperately trying to redefine my “self-care” practices as what once worked, may no longer. My nerves are shot. Just the sound of the neighbour’s kids thumping up and down their stairs next door makes me want to stab my own ears with a spork. The dog licking. The kids chewing. All of it. It’s getting WAY outta hand and I’ve got to get a grip around the chaos I perceive because, as you and I both know, it’s simply a highly exaggerated manifestation of things that aren’t quite as big, individually, as my neural networks envision.
I call them: Brain Trolls. Those thoughts of a negative nature that can quickly spiral out of control, coagulate, and come back around to the front of the brain with a critical hit. Kind of like wasps. But, really, REALLY big. And, not sting-y, but thump-y. Like, skull-bashing thump-y. Like…..trolls. Big, often cantankerous, beings of thought that sit on your perceptions until you’re not getting enough air to adequately breathe through your daily routine.
What if, being the relentless pop-culture nerd that I am, I called these particular Brain Trolls….BOGGARTS?
Here me out:
\ ˈtrōl \
: a dwarf or giant in Scandinavian folklore inhabiting caves or hills”
Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/troll
“A boggart is a shapeshifter that usually lurks in dark spaces. It has no definite form, taking the shape of that which is most feared by the person who encounters it. When not in the sight of a person, it is believed to look like a dark blob.”
Muggles’ Guide to Harry Potter/Magic/Boggart Wikibooks. Retrieved from https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Muggles%27_Guide_to_Harry_Potter/Magic/Boggart
So, I can sure as shit make a troll into a boggart…can’t I?
A giant piece of blobby fucktard inhabiting the cavernous depths of my mind?
A perceived form of each and every utterly over-exaggerated fear of All The Things that are:
- On my to-do list at any given moment
- My stupid and utterly relentless health shit (but, not literal shit…thank gods)
…making each and every shadow crossing through the pathways of my neural networks shady AND shifty?
“What the actual…..??!!”
No, seriously. Stop. Think about it.
A really big (and I mean actually fucking HUGE) giant (troll) blob (boggart) that resides in my mind (cave) which resembles each and every ugly, nasty-ass (troll) thought (fear) I can possibly over-exaggerate when I look at them (boggart) from the view of depression and exhaustion?
I have spent, since my utterly bat-shit crazy epiphany a few weeks back, a huge amount of time breaking each and every piece of negative thought down to its most basic form. Weeks.
Peeps. I cannot adequately articulate just how exhausting this process is.
“So, uh…what do ya use for a wand, nerd girl?”
Depends, really. And, some of this is quite hard to hit that mo-fo “publish” button, I can tell you that.
I have a rubber band around my wrist, like a bracelet. That’s how I started. Just to get that negative neural firing to shut the hell up. *snap*
GABA. Gamma-Aminobutyric acid. It’s a supplement. I have chewables. Low dose. “Build-able coverage,” as I like to say. I’ve been using it for several months now with good success.
L-Theanine. Also chewable. Build-able coverage.
#gladitude. Taking the conscious effort to find a really small thing that’s pleasing that I otherwise may not have noticed. Examples being: a bird in the backyard. My dog’s facial colouring making it look like he’s got eyebrows. A token on my mantle. A piece of something really colourful. WHATEVER.
*omg I don’t know how the hell I”m supposed to……*
My mind powers give my to-do list google-y eyes. It makes scissors cut each task into ribbons so I only have one to look at.
Am I ridiculous, though? Maybe. It’s a HELLA lot of work. It’s fucking exhausting. Like, bone-crushing, soul-stealing, exhausting.
However, the alternative is not an option. An alternative universe without me in it, as much as some days I’d pay money for anyone or anything to make this bullshit of my reality stop.
Some days it’s still just a level of existing. But, I went to work. I helped several people with their own health journey. I came home. I held guinea pigs. I hugged my kids.
That’s a pretty full day, right there.
Keeping on making the Brain Trolls wear unicorn onesies.
Keeping on making the stupid, lumbering boggarts eat jello with chopsticks.
Keeping on making seemingly ridiculous mental images to alleviate a really overwhelmed and struggling neural network.
In a nutshell:
Keeping on keeping on.