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I am Jack’s tender cow…

You know on those days were you’re all like, “I’m feeling fugly today. I’m just a cow.”

I can prove it.

I’m a damned “tenderized” cow…easy on the tender.

There’s a slew of ideas I’d had to call this post…”When hugs hurt”, for example.  But it all came down to the cow, courtesy of my loving man.

*shifty eyes*

No, no…he didn’t call me a cow. Good heavens, I know where he sleeps.  No, last night was just another usual, “For the love of all things holy I need you to rub something NOW!!!” kind of night.

And, as usual, there were points on my knee that, generally speaking, he knows not to touch or face the possibility of getting said knee all up in his junk.  And, as usual, this can sometimes, in the light of fatigue and likely the “holy cripes, again?” factor…be forgotten.
So, it stands to reason that my logical function dictated to me that I might be better served drawing circles around the places he can’t touch.  Which then extrapolated into my vision of this:

I am Jack’s tender cow.

But this was not clear enough. See, the difference is kind of like when people with fibromyalgia discuss the difference between “tender” points and “trigger” points.

What’s the diff? (read: Where’s the beef?)

Tender points are defined as soft tissue body points that, upon placing gentle pressure, generally make you want to vomit…after scraping yourself off of the ceiling.  “Highly sensitive”, they call it.  No shit.

These points of the body are used in the clinical diagnosis of fibro.

There are 18 of them.  I friggin’ dare you to touch mine. *evil eye*

I digress (but, hey…alien woman here is eerily accurate in describing how I feel at any given time…wonder if I could do the Vulcan mind-meld? I digress…again…)

So, no. When my loving, generous man is in the throes of the “For the love of all things holy I need you to rub something NOW!!!” kind of night…he generally knows NOT to touch these areas. These areas are “Bessie” areas.


This does not factor in the “Trigger Points”.  For all you fun-loving science and visually dominating learning types…here’s one of those “I can prove it” examples of “trigger points”:

Oh look…it even has little white arrows to point you to where you’re required to look.  Frak-tastic! :o)

Trigger points? Wikipedia says it best:

Trigger points, also known as trigger sites or muscle knots, are described as hyper-irritable spots in skeletal muscle that are associated with palpable nodules in taut bands of muscle fibers.  …  Compression of a trigger point may elicit local tenderness, referred pain, or local twitch response. The local twitch response is not the same as a muscle spasm. This is because a muscle spasm refers to the entire muscle contracting whereas the local twitch response also refers to the entire muscle but only involves a small twitch, no contraction.

Focus, people: Hyper-irritable. Pain.

Some people need injections INTO the trigger point, “trigger point injections” (Did someone win an award for THAT?? Where’s the Latin?).  A NEEDLE. INTO. THE. TRIGGER. POINT.

Bessie’s got nothin‘ on this.  If the above “tender points” image didn’t work for you…this one most assuredly shows how it REALLY feels…”trigger points”…

Uh huh.  Poor Shane.

(mental note to self: jock cup for birthday gift?)

So, getting back to Bessie.  Bessie has now been upgraded to Bruno. Bruno also incorporates “trigger points.”

See the difference? This guy is oh-so-very much more…uh…specific.  I could use this to my advantage.

Given how most chronic illnesses are like a box of chocolates…you nev’a know what you’re gonna get…on any given Sunday I can now present a list.

A list of, “Short Loin is out of service today. Please do not touch.”

Or…”Touch #2 on the Foreshank and Brisket and you die.”

So, yes…it stands to reason that hugs most certainly DO hurt.  Do I stop giving hugs?

NO.  The physical discomfort cannot replace the emotional comfort created by getting/giving a hug.

BUT…I thought it might be beneficial to the community at large that if I were to, say…decline…a hug…that it in no way is to be considered an affront to you.

Better yet…if you are aware that the person you wish to wrap your arms around is a chronic badass…open your arms wide and wait for us to wrap around you.

You’ll be in a better position to judge the appropriate amount of pressure to reciprocate, made oh-so-very much easier by not having a knee all up in your junk.

Just sayin’. ;o)


  1. candace

    I have to say this had me roflol. This exact reason is a big part of why my husband and u are split up. The other part is he is an idiot. I may have to print out your fantastic chart for future references. Lol. Thanks gor making me truly feel i am not alone.

  2. Alicia

    Tender points – for some godforsaken reason every time I enter a new Dr.’s office (never ending rotation of new GP’s = frequently) they “need” to confirm the diagnosis of fibromyalgia by seeing how many tender points I have. What in the bloody hell is wrong with them? Chart – see chart. I think soon I will need to start wearing a t-shirt that says “I am not a pin cushion” or more to the point “Poke me and die.”

    In terms of trigger point releases, I did find acupuncture for some trigger points to be helpful, the others it was just not working. Oh, don’t forget the joys of trigger point satellites – you know, because trigger points in one spot isn’t enough. *sigh* In other words, I hear you. Oy!

  3. Tim "Lupoid" Wright


    I’m upset to hear that you are in so much pain right now but I couldn’t help but LMFAO while reading this. You have an amazing way with words. The only person I know that can turn a tragedy into a comedy with careful presentation!

    Love and gentle hugz,

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