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I am Jack’s raging prolapsus disci intervertebralis…

If I could add to my SuperHero Chronic Badass repertoire…I would most like to see regeneration in there somewhere.

Seems obvious enough. Maybe my finger joints wouldn’t be so stiff that I’m starting to lose the grip on my toothbrush.  Or toilet paper.  Maybe my shoulder wouldn’t be throbbing from using my cane with my weaker arm.

I could go on…


Oh ya.  Maybe because my lumbar region currently feels like it did only a few days post- the apocalyptic “fuck-you” from L3 to S1.

Physio-terror-py is agonizingly slow.  Why?  Because, apparently, the wee little membranes of two of the three herniations (the last one is actually ruptured) is so fragile at this point…doing more will only regress me back to the day my back stood still.

She keeps referring to a jelly doughnut.

I want to eat a jelly doughnut.  *shrug*

I digress.

So?  I go, I get a heat pad, she opens my spine (thus pinching it closed on the underside in the hopes of manipulating the disc back into place), I do the one exercise I’ve been given (think “Cobra” in yoga, but in a “C” sort of position), she shoves her elbow up onto my right butt muscle, get a heat pack, pay $60, go home.


At this rate, a turtle could move faster than me.

This sorry dude is not me.  This IS, however, the L5-S1 herniation that I have.  If you start at the bottom of the photo, it’s the third “disc” up.  It’s darker.  Well, ‘cept mine’s also an oozing jelly doughnut. *shrug* It’s busted.  Apparently.

You must also picture this dandy happening at the two discs ABOVE this one as well..

Oh yes!  Add to the “slow as a thundering herd of turtles” physio-terror-py is the fact that I still have “neurological impairments”…due to the nerve damage still experienced in my right leg.  *I* think it’s much better…feels stronger…feels much more “muchier”…but alas, I still have weakened reflexes that concern her in the “moving of  this shit forward” regard.  I’m not quite sure of why the medical term to use “neurological”, but whatever…at this point I’m exceedingly frustrated.

Massage?  Nope.  Not for another week or two.  Why not?  Because massage will relax the musculature that she is trying to stabilize in order for her manipulations of my spine  to remain solid.  Frabjous.

I cannot express the level to which I am experiencing depression at this current point in time.  Why?  Because I still have to function.  The chaos of my reality so dictates.  I’m currently investigating therapists.

Did I mention?  I’m also planning the ceremony to our wedding in LESS. THAN.  FOUR.  MONTHS.

How would you manipulate your time?  How would you prioritize your own life to account for a EXTRA, often disabling, condition…such as accident, injury, etc.  How would you get your house cleaned?  How would you build up your esteem?  How would you find the money to pay for the extras that might make you think you’ve at least some semblance of a quality of life?

How would you feel if you were faced with a possibility that you couldn’t dance at your wedding?

Being a Chronic Badass doesn’t put me on any goddamn pedestal.

Being a Chronic Badass means that in a week or two or few…I’ll have found alternative means to cope.

Welcome to Chronic Club…

It’s like Fight Club,  only more badass.


  1. Natasha


    Way back when I first collapsed and was becoming frustrated with how long even diagnosis was taking, let alone treatment, …. Someone with more wisdom than I expect to ever have told me “It took you how long to GET this sick? Expect it to take at least that long to get UNSICK.” *sulk*

    She was right. *sulk*more*

    There are some things I very very slowly got unsick from. The others … I’m still somewhere in that damned dragon. I’ve had to let go of a lot of what my expectations about life were. About living. About what I would be living. About what I can and cannot do. I keep having to let go. Seems to be some sort of cycle. Every now and then I need to do something, some sort of ritual, to help me let go of what I expected, again. And then another to help me map out what is possible. What to live. How to live. How to get through all that life demands AND have “a life,” while waiting for the dragon to shit me out.

    I’m nearing that point, again. One of the outer signs is that I become an Inspirational/Motivational Poster junkie (but you hadn’t noticed, right?) I’m heading into a period of mourning, of recognizing what I have to let go of and what is gone. Hard to do when I have so much on my plate. Depressing (hence the Inspirational/Motivational Posters Period. More and more of them are pissing me off, though. “No, I can’t ‘Just Do It,’ and some things really are impossible with my Health Realities, and …” you get the idea.) April or May I’ll be ready to do something. I tend to invite others to join in if they have something they want to let go of/say good-bye to/release/be released from, and then draw a new map for themselves. You’ll get an invitation, with details as to what I’ll be doing. :^)

  2. Lemon-Aid

    Big sigh. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time, especially with so much on your plate. I could tell you the whole “stress-factor” blah, blah, blah but you already know that so just hang in there and do what you can do. I’m cheering your bad-ass on!

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