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Flame On!!!

keep-calm-and-flame-on-22#HAWMC Day 20: “It’s the worst. That feeling when nothing seems to be going right for you and you’re not sure when things will turn around. The dreaded, burnout.

What does it feel like? What are your burnout triggers?”

I’d say it feels rather much like the Breakdown 2013.


What the hell happened to you on Facebook?

I left the community* that has sat silent for four years listening to the whispers of the Bully.

I left the community* who is certain that no matter the endo, the GP, the rheum, the cardiac specialists, the dieticians, the nurses…my own research, my books, my health communities…they have the absolute answer for me of what to do with my multiple chronic afflictions.

I left the community* that really hasn’t giveth a shiteth since the very beginning, yet implore details at their own convenience, regardless of whether or not I might just be facing the Breakdown of 2013.

And then there were the mutha’ freakin’ cookies.

*evil stabby glare*


I haz themz.

*community, as in a general reference to the aggregate of “more” rather than “less” people

Let’s take a look at what has changed since my very initial diagnosis:

I’ve become (I’m hesitant to type that) inspirational to some people who find my writing and ability to “put it out there” beneficial to their own challenges.

I’ve raised, to date, over $3,000 for Lupus research in the annual Ottawa Walk for Lupus. I’ve an awesome team now: Team SpoonieVille.

What has changed to my personal “being” since my very initial diagnosis:

[enter crickets chirping, stage left]

I have more!

I have more to do. I have more to research. I have more appointments. I have more stress. I have less time. I have less physical ability. I have less change to the structure of my routine…………….

As for the changes to my actual “workload” of the chaos of my reality?

I. Have. More.

O. M. G.

Are. You. #$%#$. Kidding. Me.


Verbal Adult Bully: Words can be quite damaging. Adult bullies who use this type of tactic may start rumors about the victim, or use sarcastic or demeaning language to dominate or humiliate another person. This subtle type of bullying also has the advantage – to the bully – of being difficult to document. However, the emotional and psychological impacts of verbal bullying can be felt quite keenly and can result in reduced job performance and even depression.


“Adult bullies target people who are good at their job and excel beyond them. Bullies want to eliminate their competition and make their work seem better than it is. While bullying is not acceptable no matter the age of the person doing it, adults will still bully others if they see it as the only way to solve their problems. Adult bullies target people who put them in danger of looking bad in an attempt to sabotage their work.

Adult bullies target people who are popular and well liked as well, especially if they are not too popular them selves. The more well liked and competent a person is, the bigger the threat they are to an adult bully. If an adult bully is seeking attention, they will target people who receive the most attention and try to make them seem less valuable.

Adult bullies target people with differences from themselves, especially those who have high morals and integrity. Adult bullies usually have problems coping with their own problems and are desperately trying to find ways to make themselves look better by targeting other adults who they perceive will not fight back. Adult bullies seek out these people because they are less likely to retaliate against them.”

(Characteristics of Adult Bully Targets)

Do I know in my head precisely the person/people who either participate and/or have heard direct statements from said Bully?


Do I know in my head, and generally agree, that said Bully feels I am a threat to their own success within the community of which we are both participants?


Why does it bother me SO much, and to such an extent?

Because we’ve taught people to ignore bullies. Y’know, in order not to “condone” the behaviour(s).

Well, dear Bully…after FOUR. FUCKING. YEARS. I can sure as shit tell you that ignoring a bully does nothing but serve to focus your malice elsewhere, and onto other people.

The same people I share festivals with.

The same people I share land with.

The same people who…incidentally…support me and my family during a time of extreme challenges and inform me of said “whispers”. I know a little bit about a lot of people. To say that “You’re not as good a friend to _____ as you think.” is ridiculous and speculative. I find you naming specific people of the community to be an affront to their worth and value within the community and would love to know how they perceive said statements.

I’m angry that no one has told you to “STOP.”

Not one.

But hear this:

You have chosen to pick on, rumour about, speculate on and spew your venom across a community who has provided me nothing but positive support both privately and…very much publicly. My actions are my worth and honour and I truly believe that my participation in particular events, my advocacy and…hell…general awesomeness to be witty and charming under extreme circumstance… has served to augment my worth and status within the community.

Because I own my shit, fix my mistakes, continuously work on self-improvement and genuinely do not feel the need to publicly bring others down by rumour and factual inaccuracies.


You chose to pick on the dying woman.

Well done.

I wish to offer to you my support in finding out what the common denominator is within your personal failings and perceived inadequacies…

I hope you are able to look within yourself and focus your energies on the true cause of your anger, hate, jealousy, envy, emotion-du-jour.

It is also my hope that those same people who have supported me in my challenges and successes will offer to you the opportunity to do so by uttering one simple word:







1 Comment

  1. Tracy

    At a time when bullying is finally given the light of day, your post is right on the button. Oh it happened just as much when we were kids. It may have been more one-on-one without the benefit of internet/social media, cell phones everywhere to splash it for even those who don’t know you to see. In anyway you experience it, it is emotionally, physically, and mentally damaging. I had always hoped that when people grew up they would get past those issues that made them a bully then, and be better. I have found that there are now more bullies than ever because of the lack of in person confrontation those who weren’t *brave* (highly sarcastic) enough to do it before can do it now with very little consequence. The inner bully is coming out in so many. Trolls are in every corner. It makes me sigh right down from my toes, all the way up for how passive many people have become about it even though it is more in the spotlight than every. “Kids just being kids”, “you need to ignore them”, on so many others. I am sure it was a hard post to write, and you nailed it when you said you write for others. I am getting much better at standing up for myself, and living the noble virutes even when it would be way easier to not to, but it heartening to see someone fight their own inner battles, and put it out there for all to see, and say *plffttt* to those butt munches. 🙂

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